Friday, January 11, 2008
Spam
I received this piece of spam email today. I simply couldn't let myself delete it. Who doesn't want to get a car loan from a sock puppet that supposed to be a dog...but looks like a cow...and is holding a microphone?
Tuesday, January 8, 2008
I can't believe I'm going to say this....
...but Cat Specter's new picture is...well...hotttt.
That hat is still a little to sassy for me...but the overall...I give the photo an A.
Now as for the advice....
Check out this weeks column...where we hear about the sexual escapades of a 37 year old East Indian (I didn't know Indians had to now be associated with a direction).
That hat is still a little to sassy for me...but the overall...I give the photo an A.
Now as for the advice....
Check out this weeks column...where we hear about the sexual escapades of a 37 year old East Indian (I didn't know Indians had to now be associated with a direction).
Monday, January 7, 2008
American Gladiators - A Review...
First off....hats off to BP...for leaving e-Breezewood's first comment...and it's about time! (Sorry Rachel, you don't count...especially since you've only left one).
BP wants to start a Wolf fan club...and I for one am a big supporter.
Known to his friends (who I'm sure are a wonderfully entertaining crew) as Don "Hollywood" Yates is apparently better known for his Rodeo Bullfighting skills as well as a professional wrassler. Howwwwwwwwwwwwllllllll!!!!!!!!!
Now...as much as I hate to say it...this show is terrible. It was much better 15 years ago years ago before the age of "reality TV" where today reality=poorly scripted.
And let's talk about the Hulkster. Hulk...brother...you need some new pants. Yours are old...discolored...and way way too tight. Note to wardrobe...get Hulk some new trousers. Secondly...does anyone else think the Hulkster might have scoliosis? He's always leaning forward at an inordinately large angle. Note to Hulk...drink more milk.
There are however, some bright spots...
1. Who doesn't like seeing little Asian guys being tossed around by professional body builders?
2. Her.
3. Her. (Not a typo)
And now...courtesy of Wikipedia...some American Gladiator trivia...
1. Referee Al Kaplon was a former American League Umpire...and is most commonly known as the referee from the movie Dodgeball.
2. Former hosts/announcers include....Joe Theismann and Larry Csonka.
Well...that's about it for trivia. However...my girl Crush is listed as a former Mixed Martial Arts fighter. If you're not familiar with MMA...it's sort of like boxing...only with no gloves...and you can kick...a basically beat the shit out of each other. Think the street fight in Rocky 5 meets Jean Claude Vandame meets you'd rather have a root canal without anesthesia.
Anyway...she won her first match by submission in just under 3 minutes using a Rear Naked Choke hold. Basically...you grab your opponents neck from behind and cutoff blood flow through the carotid artery. This restricts oxygen to the brain...and in a few seconds...you're unconscious.
Awesome.
Crush...call me.
BP wants to start a Wolf fan club...and I for one am a big supporter.
Known to his friends (who I'm sure are a wonderfully entertaining crew) as Don "Hollywood" Yates is apparently better known for his Rodeo Bullfighting skills as well as a professional wrassler. Howwwwwwwwwwwwllllllll!!!!!!!!!
Now...as much as I hate to say it...this show is terrible. It was much better 15 years ago years ago before the age of "reality TV" where today reality=poorly scripted.
And let's talk about the Hulkster. Hulk...brother...you need some new pants. Yours are old...discolored...and way way too tight. Note to wardrobe...get Hulk some new trousers. Secondly...does anyone else think the Hulkster might have scoliosis? He's always leaning forward at an inordinately large angle. Note to Hulk...drink more milk.
There are however, some bright spots...
1. Who doesn't like seeing little Asian guys being tossed around by professional body builders?
2. Her.
3. Her. (Not a typo)
And now...courtesy of Wikipedia...some American Gladiator trivia...
1. Referee Al Kaplon was a former American League Umpire...and is most commonly known as the referee from the movie Dodgeball.
2. Former hosts/announcers include....Joe Theismann and Larry Csonka.
Well...that's about it for trivia. However...my girl Crush is listed as a former Mixed Martial Arts fighter. If you're not familiar with MMA...it's sort of like boxing...only with no gloves...and you can kick...a basically beat the shit out of each other. Think the street fight in Rocky 5 meets Jean Claude Vandame meets you'd rather have a root canal without anesthesia.
Anyway...she won her first match by submission in just under 3 minutes using a Rear Naked Choke hold. Basically...you grab your opponents neck from behind and cutoff blood flow through the carotid artery. This restricts oxygen to the brain...and in a few seconds...you're unconscious.
Awesome.
Crush...call me.
Thursday, January 3, 2008
e-Breezewood Profiles: American Gladiators
NBC will air the new version of American Gladiators this Sunday...and if you aren't watching it...you're not a true American.
This is quite possibly the best thing to happen to this country since...well...ever. I thought we here at e-Breezewood would take it upon themselves to introduce the new Gladiators. As always, we have a ladies first policy here...so let's begin...
Crush
NBC says: Don't let the winsome smile fool you... Crush earned her well-deserved moniker by smashing opponents into submission.
Brando says: Where do I sign up?
Fury
NBC Says: At 5-feet, 8-inches, she is a maelstrom of raw aggression and the epitome of the female gladiator. Equally balanced in speed and strength... Hell hath no fury like, Fury. Period.
Brando Says: Is that woman?
Helga
NBC Says: When she stomps into Gladiator Arena, most sensible opponents run for cover rather than risk a Viking funeral. She may have left her horned helmet on the boat, but she hits with the force of Thor's hammer, and quickly sends opponents straight to Valhalla.
Brando Says: First of all...they have a Gladiator named Hellga. H-e-l-l-g-a. Second of all...Holy crap.
Venom
NBC Says: She has shed her skin to become one of the most feared warriors in Gladiator Arena. She stalks her prey with caution and strikes when it is least expected. Any opponent that faces her had better come prepared because there is no known antidote for Venom, who is lethal in any dose.
Brando Says: The most confused looking of all Gladiators. It looks like she's to play the "dumb blonde" role a la Pheobe from Friends.
Siren
NBC Says: Consider yourself warned when she is heard in Gladiator Arena. Siren is a force to be reckoned with who will go off at the slightest provocation! Pay close attention to her every move, or siren will wail... on you!
Brando Says: Nice 80's makeup! Quick...get Cyndi Lauper on the phone...
Stealth
NBC Says: She flies under the radar for a swift and unexpected attack, and any adversary caught unaware will get a swift lesson in shock and awe. Immensely strong and cool under pressure, she executes her favorite move -- a quick counter-attack that you never see coming.
Brando Says: Huge biceps...ripped abs...and fabulously shiny hair!
And now...the guys!
Justice
NBC Says: Tipping the scales at almost 300 pounds of power and with 20-inch guns at his disposal, Justice does indeed have a very long arm, and he'll pursue any adversary to the ends of the earth to prove it. Ask any of his opponents and they'll tell you that sometimes Justice hurts, and the scales always tip in his favor.
Brando Says: Quite possibly the best hair-do ever. Tell me you wouldn't pee your pants if you got on the Jousting podium and saw that pointy hair staring down at you?
Militia
NBC Says: The 6-foot, 3-inch, 220-pound Gladiator targets his opponents with tactical precision. With an impressive arsenal of skills at his disposal, he is well equipped for any operation and will do anything to complete his objective. Once Militia has you in his sights, you'd better have a plan, or the game is over.
Brando Says: Militia! Militia! Brilliant. Good thing the wardrobe department gave him that extra strap on his suit. It looks like his package alone could bench press a compact car...
Titan
NBC Says: With nearly godlike strength and skill, he is the ultimate warrior. Able to physically dominate foes with his impressive physique, he is equally adept at mind games and will attempt to mentally defeat opponents before the battle even begins. Titan is a double threat who will find a way to win... one way or another.
Brando Says: I'm pretty sure his thighs are stuffed with cheese...sort of like raviolis. There's no chance those can be muscles...
Mayhem
NBC Says: A storm of smoldering intensity and lightning-quick reflexes, Mayhem unleashes waves of devastation through the ranks of even the most battle-hardened opponents.
Brando Says: Ok...enough of the packages already...
Toa
NBC Says: With his tribal garb and distinctive tattoos, he may conjure up images of an island paradise, but facing him in battle is pure hell. Drawing on the power of his ancestors, Toa has the strength of a thousand warriors flowing through his veins, and he will never, ever show mercy.
Brando Says: I don't even know what a "Toa" is...but I do know that I'm dead scared of guys with neck tattoos.
Wolf
NBC Says: When you enter Gladiator Arena keep an eye out for Wolf! Able to smell fear and always going for the jugular, Wolf is 230-pounds of primal fury. He will ferociously defend his turf... and thrives on the opportunity to sink his teeth into any challenge.
Brando Says: I had to save the best for last. Look at this guy. By the way...hair like that takes years to grow. My guess is that he started somewhere circa 1987.
Stay tuned for more fun!
This is quite possibly the best thing to happen to this country since...well...ever. I thought we here at e-Breezewood would take it upon themselves to introduce the new Gladiators. As always, we have a ladies first policy here...so let's begin...
Crush
NBC says: Don't let the winsome smile fool you... Crush earned her well-deserved moniker by smashing opponents into submission.
Brando says: Where do I sign up?
Fury
NBC Says: At 5-feet, 8-inches, she is a maelstrom of raw aggression and the epitome of the female gladiator. Equally balanced in speed and strength... Hell hath no fury like, Fury. Period.
Brando Says: Is that woman?
Helga
NBC Says: When she stomps into Gladiator Arena, most sensible opponents run for cover rather than risk a Viking funeral. She may have left her horned helmet on the boat, but she hits with the force of Thor's hammer, and quickly sends opponents straight to Valhalla.
Brando Says: First of all...they have a Gladiator named Hellga. H-e-l-l-g-a. Second of all...Holy crap.
Venom
NBC Says: She has shed her skin to become one of the most feared warriors in Gladiator Arena. She stalks her prey with caution and strikes when it is least expected. Any opponent that faces her had better come prepared because there is no known antidote for Venom, who is lethal in any dose.
Brando Says: The most confused looking of all Gladiators. It looks like she's to play the "dumb blonde" role a la Pheobe from Friends.
Siren
NBC Says: Consider yourself warned when she is heard in Gladiator Arena. Siren is a force to be reckoned with who will go off at the slightest provocation! Pay close attention to her every move, or siren will wail... on you!
Brando Says: Nice 80's makeup! Quick...get Cyndi Lauper on the phone...
Stealth
NBC Says: She flies under the radar for a swift and unexpected attack, and any adversary caught unaware will get a swift lesson in shock and awe. Immensely strong and cool under pressure, she executes her favorite move -- a quick counter-attack that you never see coming.
Brando Says: Huge biceps...ripped abs...and fabulously shiny hair!
And now...the guys!
Justice
NBC Says: Tipping the scales at almost 300 pounds of power and with 20-inch guns at his disposal, Justice does indeed have a very long arm, and he'll pursue any adversary to the ends of the earth to prove it. Ask any of his opponents and they'll tell you that sometimes Justice hurts, and the scales always tip in his favor.
Brando Says: Quite possibly the best hair-do ever. Tell me you wouldn't pee your pants if you got on the Jousting podium and saw that pointy hair staring down at you?
Militia
NBC Says: The 6-foot, 3-inch, 220-pound Gladiator targets his opponents with tactical precision. With an impressive arsenal of skills at his disposal, he is well equipped for any operation and will do anything to complete his objective. Once Militia has you in his sights, you'd better have a plan, or the game is over.
Brando Says: Militia! Militia! Brilliant. Good thing the wardrobe department gave him that extra strap on his suit. It looks like his package alone could bench press a compact car...
Titan
NBC Says: With nearly godlike strength and skill, he is the ultimate warrior. Able to physically dominate foes with his impressive physique, he is equally adept at mind games and will attempt to mentally defeat opponents before the battle even begins. Titan is a double threat who will find a way to win... one way or another.
Brando Says: I'm pretty sure his thighs are stuffed with cheese...sort of like raviolis. There's no chance those can be muscles...
Mayhem
NBC Says: A storm of smoldering intensity and lightning-quick reflexes, Mayhem unleashes waves of devastation through the ranks of even the most battle-hardened opponents.
Brando Says: Ok...enough of the packages already...
Toa
NBC Says: With his tribal garb and distinctive tattoos, he may conjure up images of an island paradise, but facing him in battle is pure hell. Drawing on the power of his ancestors, Toa has the strength of a thousand warriors flowing through his veins, and he will never, ever show mercy.
Brando Says: I don't even know what a "Toa" is...but I do know that I'm dead scared of guys with neck tattoos.
Wolf
NBC Says: When you enter Gladiator Arena keep an eye out for Wolf! Able to smell fear and always going for the jugular, Wolf is 230-pounds of primal fury. He will ferociously defend his turf... and thrives on the opportunity to sink his teeth into any challenge.
Brando Says: I had to save the best for last. Look at this guy. By the way...hair like that takes years to grow. My guess is that he started somewhere circa 1987.
Stay tuned for more fun!
Friday, December 28, 2007
Wacky Asain News
It's time for some more wacky Asian news. This nugget from the GuangXi province of China.
I won't give this one away...but when's the last time you were haunted by a catfish?
I won't give this one away...but when's the last time you were haunted by a catfish?
Sunday, December 23, 2007
Taser Mania!
With "Don't tase me bro!" being named most popular quote of 2007, I thought it was time to bring all you e-citizens some deserving taser news...
Let's start in Wichita Kansas, where Donnell Williams was taking a lovely bath. He had just gotten out of the bath tub, when the 5-0 burst through the door. The officers were responding to a report of a shooting. With guns drawn, the began to order Donnell around. When Donnell didn't respond to their commands, officers tased him. Turns out old Donnell was deaf. Oops! Way to go Wichita police...
And of course...what would this Holiday Season be without attending a Taser Party! That's right...according to the article, they're popping up all over the place. A popular item is Taser International's C2 (seriously, could you couldn't come up with a better name for your company?) Check out their video section for videos like this one, and help stop the senseless beating of "innocent sandwich counters" everywhere.
Until next time...
Let's start in Wichita Kansas, where Donnell Williams was taking a lovely bath. He had just gotten out of the bath tub, when the 5-0 burst through the door. The officers were responding to a report of a shooting. With guns drawn, the began to order Donnell around. When Donnell didn't respond to their commands, officers tased him. Turns out old Donnell was deaf. Oops! Way to go Wichita police...
And of course...what would this Holiday Season be without attending a Taser Party! That's right...according to the article, they're popping up all over the place. A popular item is Taser International's C2 (seriously, could you couldn't come up with a better name for your company?) Check out their video section for videos like this one, and help stop the senseless beating of "innocent sandwich counters" everywhere.
Until next time...
Sunday, December 16, 2007
Brando Speaks Out On...
This guy...from LauderdaleChristmas.com
I'm sure his neighbors must really like him. Let's hope there are not airports in the vicinity.
I'm sure his neighbors must really like him. Let's hope there are not airports in the vicinity.
Brando Speaks Out On....
....Carol of the Bells.
If I hear one more commercial that uses this song and re-writes the words to sell there crap, I'm going to figgy pudding somebody right in the face.
You've been warned.
But what would a "speaks out on" post be without a little history...
Carol of the Bells, also known as "Ukrainian Bell Carol", is well, Ukrainian (see how much you're learning?) Originally a Ukrainian folk song, it tells a story of a swallow flying into a house to proclaim a bountiful year that the family was about to embark upon. Right. File next to eight maids-a-milking.
And now...the internet's worst renditions of Carol of the Ukrainian Swallows...
Fat man with a little guitar...
Warning...this one may cause you to want to poke your ears out with an icicle...
This is no joke. 40,000 LED's programed to the song. Do yourself a favor and watch it all the way to the end for the big finale.
If I hear one more commercial that uses this song and re-writes the words to sell there crap, I'm going to figgy pudding somebody right in the face.
You've been warned.
But what would a "speaks out on" post be without a little history...
Carol of the Bells, also known as "Ukrainian Bell Carol", is well, Ukrainian (see how much you're learning?) Originally a Ukrainian folk song, it tells a story of a swallow flying into a house to proclaim a bountiful year that the family was about to embark upon. Right. File next to eight maids-a-milking.
And now...the internet's worst renditions of Carol of the Ukrainian Swallows...
Fat man with a little guitar...
Warning...this one may cause you to want to poke your ears out with an icicle...
This is no joke. 40,000 LED's programed to the song. Do yourself a favor and watch it all the way to the end for the big finale.
Monday, December 3, 2007
Dagger!
Just in case you've ever wondered what a Zamboni machine looks like after it explodes all Micheal Bay style on the ice...check out this.
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