Brando reads "Cats Call" so you don't have to...

Well well well...what better way to jump back into e-Breezewood than a little Cat Spector?

Ooooo-weee! Look at the angle of that hat. Jauntiness if flying out of my monitor.

Here's a summary...some chick has a guy friend...same chick gets married to another dude...guy friend gets all weird and wants to "hang out" more. Chick says, "Why can't guys be friends with women? Why does it sometimes have to be "all or nothing at all" for guys?"

Cat's Call? "Most guys don't want "it all". They're fine with sex."

Which...if you ask me...totally just gave this chick approval to bang a dude that wasn't her husband. Well...that's the way I read it at least. Listen...I'm doing this so you don't have to read it. You'll just have to trust me.

Here's a good one from last week....

DEAR CAT: Our new neighbors are, shall we say, more ‘open’ than we like. Namely, the wife often sunbathes with her friends (in skimpy bikinis) on the front lawn. We live in a warm, sunny place, and this has gone on since they moved in a year ago. I feel this type of display downgrades the neighborhood and I am not the only one bothered by this behavior. I know she is not doing anything “illegal” but she is almost naked! The beach is a few minutes away, why not go there? I prefer not to cause problems but I feel that I should express this to her, for the sake of property values. Your call? —MODEST HOMEOWNER

Brando's Call....Ooooo. Tell me again...but slower this time...

We're back, bitches!

Well then...hello...again.

We're back.

e-Breezewood is open for business again.

More "Brando speaks out on..."

More "Tazer news!"

More "Brando Reads Cat's Call so You Don't Have To"

More "Skymall Catalog Fun"

Come back often. Start spreading the word.

Breaking News...Luke Ravenstahl is a fancy boy...

Well...at least according to nutty Oklahoma Representative Sally Kern.

You can listen to her speech (as well as the transcript) here.

Here's the short version...some wacko politician thought she was giving a speech to about 50 peeps in Oklahoma (Ok!...anyone...anyone...cricket cricket...) about how Islam and Homosexuals are destroying our youth....yada yada yada....

Anyway...here's the best part....

You know, gays are infiltrating city councils. Did you know, Eureka Springs, anybody been there, the passion play? Okay, have you heard that the city council of Eureka Springs is now controlled by gays? Okay? There are some others, Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania; Takoma, Maryland; Kensington, Maryland; in Vermont, Oregon, West Palm Beach, Florida; in a lot of other places
in Florida. What’s happening? They are winning elections.

That's right folks! You've heard it hear first....Pittsburgh Pennsylvania City Council...a bunch of well dressed, good looking, sissies!

Oh...and another gem from Sally....

As a matter of fact, studies show that no society that has totally embraced homosexuality has lasted more than, you know, a few decades.

Your heard right kids...just a few decades! That means we're in the midnight hour. Time to run up those credit card bills....

UPMC Buys Al Monzo's Palace Inn

...then promptly buys all of Monroeville's Clorox bleach....

Who's worse? The Pittsburgh Pirates...or Terrorists?

That ain't Andy Van Slyke in center field...

This little gem comes from your e-Breezewood mayor-ette, Maria.

so...today i was reading the empty netters blog and there was a reference to the movie "sudden death." (which, by the way, has the best wikipedia page EVER--read the last two paragraphs). that got me thinking. the penguins have been in a movie where terrorists attack. footage of a steelers-cowboys game was used in the movie "black sunday," in which terrorists plan on blowing up the super bowl. the pirates?

nothing i can think of.

which brings me to my point, do people not include the pirates in disaster movies because they realize no one cares, or is the level of play so disastrous that adding terrorists to the equation really can't increase the level of misery?

Well...I think option 2. I mean...have you attended a Buccos game in the past 15 years? If I had a dollar for every Hammas roadside bomb that occurred on the field...well...I'd have a lot of dollars.

Do we not remember the walk-out last year? All those people might as well have been leaving to attend an insurgency convention.

And I'm pretty sure it was Hezbollah's fault that the "Outback" is no longer in the outfield.

Oh...and the Pirate Parrot was recruited from the mountains in Afghanistan. Look it up. I'm sure it's on Wikipedia somewhere.

The bottom line...

- The Pirates play baseball.
- Baseball is American.
- Losing 15 straight seasons in pro Baseball is un-American
- Terrorists are un-American
- The Pirates have lost 15 straight season.
- The Pirates are Terrorists

Trust me...I have a degree in science.

Hang-ging

This one...courtesy of our friends from across the Pond.

Gary Harley is a real estate agent in England. Typically, if you're a real estate agent...you spruce up the house you're showing, right? Maybe some candles...sweep up a little bit...perhaps rearrange some furniture. You take care of all the little details around the joint.

Well Gary slept on one little detail...

How 'bout the body of the owner hangggging in the master bedroom closet...all while people are walkin' around the house checking it out.

What a debacle.

I need a young priest and and old priest...

The power of Christ...um...compels you?

This from out nations Washington Post. Apparently, the pope thinks we need more exorcists.

Fortunately for us...well...more fortunately for the damned...Rev. Andrzej Trojanowski from Poland is creating an Exorcist "Club Med" if you will.

According to the article...

An estimated 300 exorcists are active in Italy. Foremost among them: the Rev. Gabriele Amorth, 82, who performs exorcisms daily in Rome and is dean of Europe's corps of demon-battling priests.

Daily? Daaaaaiiiilllyyyyy?

A different type of Congress...

Brando Speaks Out On...

Celebrity musicians.

As if the Bacon Brothers weren't enough...





Now we have Jeff F-ing Daniels.



Be sure to catch "Dirty Harry Blues"...as song about being shot by Clint Eastwood. Please...somebody cut my head off.

e-Breezewood Alert

A new segment I shall call... "e-Breezewood Alert"

More news in the string of bad ideas from the Buccos....

Pittsburgh's old pal Sid Bream....yes...THAT Sid Bream...has been named assistant coach to the Bucco's farm team in State College.

For those Yinzer's who love to relive painful memories...here's the recap from Wikipedia.

The Pirates carried a 2-0 lead into the bottom of the ninth inning under the pitching of their ace, Doug Drabek, needing just three outs to make the World Series. However, Drabek gave up a leadoff double to Terry Pendleton, then allowed another runner (David Justice) on an infield error by second baseman Jose Lind. After Drabek walked Bream to load the bases, Pirates manager Jim Leyland pulled him out of the game. Reliever Stan Belinda replaced him on the mound, and managed to get two outs, despite giving up a run on a sacrifice fly by Ron Gant. Then, Braves third-string catcher Francisco Cabrera belted a single to left field, and Justice scored easily to tie the game. Pirates left fielder and eventual National League MVP Barry Bonds fielded the ball as Bream (known as a slow runner) plodded around the bases toward home plate. Bonds' throw arrived first, but it was slightly offline towards the first-base line. As soon as catcher Mike LaValliere received the ball, he desperately lunged toward the plate to tag Bream out, but Bream was able to slide just underneath the tag to score the winning run and send the Braves to the World Series for the second consecutive year.

You be careful, Sidney Eugene Bream, e-Breezewood is watching you....


p.s. - $1 to the reader who can tell me what the hell ever happened to Doug Drabek

Bridesmaid Contest

I can't wait for this.

p.s. - Ladies...if you want to send your pictures to me as well...I can provide much more than a $50 gift card. Despite how this sounds...I am not sketchy.

F- you, Pirates

You are all mediocre pieces of crap.

Andy VanSlyke, wherever he is, is very very angry with you. Same for Jose Lind.

A collective sigh from Bucco nation...

The sadness continues at PNC park.

Quote our new ass-clown manager...

"Quite frankly, you can't really rebuild and compete at the same time. But I also don't think we're really in the position to just blow it up, and that's probably the fine line we're walking right now. We can't pull the plug just because this team lost 94 games. The fact is, we haven't been presented with an organizational-changing trade."


No moron. You pull the plug and blow it up because you haven't had a winning season "Hey Dude" was on Nickelodeon and it was hip to loop your braided leather belt around itself so it hung down a little bit.

F- you Pirates.

Spam

I received this piece of spam email today. I simply couldn't let myself delete it. Who doesn't want to get a car loan from a sock puppet that supposed to be a dog...but looks like a cow...and is holding a microphone?

I can't believe I'm going to say this....

...but Cat Specter's new picture is...well...hotttt.

That hat is still a little to sassy for me...but the overall...I give the photo an A.

Now as for the advice....

Check out this weeks column...where we hear about the sexual escapades of a 37 year old East Indian (I didn't know Indians had to now be associated with a direction).

American Gladiators - A Review...

First off....hats off to BP...for leaving e-Breezewood's first comment...and it's about time! (Sorry Rachel, you don't count...especially since you've only left one).

BP wants to start a Wolf fan club...and I for one am a big supporter.

Known to his friends (who I'm sure are a wonderfully entertaining crew) as Don "Hollywood" Yates is apparently better known for his Rodeo Bullfighting skills as well as a professional wrassler. Howwwwwwwwwwwwllllllll!!!!!!!!!

Now...as much as I hate to say it...this show is terrible. It was much better 15 years ago years ago before the age of "reality TV" where today reality=poorly scripted.

And let's talk about the Hulkster. Hulk...brother...you need some new pants. Yours are old...discolored...and way way too tight. Note to wardrobe...get Hulk some new trousers. Secondly...does anyone else think the Hulkster might have scoliosis? He's always leaning forward at an inordinately large angle. Note to Hulk...drink more milk.

There are however, some bright spots...

1. Who doesn't like seeing little Asian guys being tossed around by professional body builders?
2. Her.
3. Her. (Not a typo)


And now...courtesy of Wikipedia...some American Gladiator trivia...

1. Referee Al Kaplon was a former American League Umpire...and is most commonly known as the referee from the movie Dodgeball.

2. Former hosts/announcers include....Joe Theismann and Larry Csonka.

Well...that's about it for trivia. However...my girl Crush is listed as a former Mixed Martial Arts fighter. If you're not familiar with MMA...it's sort of like boxing...only with no gloves...and you can kick...a basically beat the shit out of each other. Think the street fight in Rocky 5 meets Jean Claude Vandame meets you'd rather have a root canal without anesthesia.

Anyway...she won her first match by submission in just under 3 minutes using a Rear Naked Choke hold. Basically...you grab your opponents neck from behind and cutoff blood flow through the carotid artery. This restricts oxygen to the brain...and in a few seconds...you're unconscious.

Awesome.

Crush...call me.

e-Breezewood Profiles: American Gladiators

NBC will air the new version of American Gladiators this Sunday...and if you aren't watching it...you're not a true American.

This is quite possibly the best thing to happen to this country since...well...ever. I thought we here at e-Breezewood would take it upon themselves to introduce the new Gladiators. As always, we have a ladies first policy here...so let's begin...


Crush


NBC says: Don't let the winsome smile fool you... Crush earned her well-deserved moniker by smashing opponents into submission.

Brando says: Where do I sign up?



Fury



NBC Says: At 5-feet, 8-inches, she is a maelstrom of raw aggression and the epitome of the female gladiator. Equally balanced in speed and strength... Hell hath no fury like, Fury. Period.

Brando Says: Is that woman?



Helga


NBC Says: When she stomps into Gladiator Arena, most sensible opponents run for cover rather than risk a Viking funeral. She may have left her horned helmet on the boat, but she hits with the force of Thor's hammer, and quickly sends opponents straight to Valhalla.

Brando Says: First of all...they have a Gladiator named Hellga. H-e-l-l-g-a. Second of all...Holy crap.


Venom


NBC Says: She has shed her skin to become one of the most feared warriors in Gladiator Arena. She stalks her prey with caution and strikes when it is least expected. Any opponent that faces her had better come prepared because there is no known antidote for Venom, who is lethal in any dose.

Brando Says: The most confused looking of all Gladiators. It looks like she's to play the "dumb blonde" role a la Pheobe from Friends.


Siren

NBC Says: Consider yourself warned when she is heard in Gladiator Arena. Siren is a force to be reckoned with who will go off at the slightest provocation! Pay close attention to her every move, or siren will wail... on you!

Brando Says: Nice 80's makeup! Quick...get Cyndi Lauper on the phone...


Stealth



NBC Says: She flies under the radar for a swift and unexpected attack, and any adversary caught unaware will get a swift lesson in shock and awe. Immensely strong and cool under pressure, she executes her favorite move -- a quick counter-attack that you never see coming.

Brando Says: Huge biceps...ripped abs...and fabulously shiny hair!


And now...the guys!


Justice

NBC Says: Tipping the scales at almost 300 pounds of power and with 20-inch guns at his disposal, Justice does indeed have a very long arm, and he'll pursue any adversary to the ends of the earth to prove it. Ask any of his opponents and they'll tell you that sometimes Justice hurts, and the scales always tip in his favor.

Brando Says: Quite possibly the best hair-do ever. Tell me you wouldn't pee your pants if you got on the Jousting podium and saw that pointy hair staring down at you?


Militia

NBC Says: The 6-foot, 3-inch, 220-pound Gladiator targets his opponents with tactical precision. With an impressive arsenal of skills at his disposal, he is well equipped for any operation and will do anything to complete his objective. Once Militia has you in his sights, you'd better have a plan, or the game is over.

Brando Says: Militia! Militia! Brilliant. Good thing the wardrobe department gave him that extra strap on his suit. It looks like his package alone could bench press a compact car...




Titan

NBC Says: With nearly godlike strength and skill, he is the ultimate warrior. Able to physically dominate foes with his impressive physique, he is equally adept at mind games and will attempt to mentally defeat opponents before the battle even begins. Titan is a double threat who will find a way to win... one way or another.

Brando Says: I'm pretty sure his thighs are stuffed with cheese...sort of like raviolis. There's no chance those can be muscles...


Mayhem

NBC Says: A storm of smoldering intensity and lightning-quick reflexes, Mayhem unleashes waves of devastation through the ranks of even the most battle-hardened opponents.

Brando Says: Ok...enough of the packages already...




Toa

NBC Says: With his tribal garb and distinctive tattoos, he may conjure up images of an island paradise, but facing him in battle is pure hell. Drawing on the power of his ancestors, Toa has the strength of a thousand warriors flowing through his veins, and he will never, ever show mercy.

Brando Says: I don't even know what a "Toa" is...but I do know that I'm dead scared of guys with neck tattoos.


Wolf

NBC Says: When you enter Gladiator Arena keep an eye out for Wolf! Able to smell fear and always going for the jugular, Wolf is 230-pounds of primal fury. He will ferociously defend his turf... and thrives on the opportunity to sink his teeth into any challenge.

Brando Says: I had to save the best for last. Look at this guy. By the way...hair like that takes years to grow. My guess is that he started somewhere circa 1987.



Stay tuned for more fun!

Wacky Asain News

It's time for some more wacky Asian news. This nugget from the GuangXi province of China.

I won't give this one away...but when's the last time you were haunted by a catfish?

Where's my vest, n'at...

Don't worry...the other 364 days of the year...they do a pretty good job.

Taser Mania!

With "Don't tase me bro!" being named most popular quote of 2007, I thought it was time to bring all you e-citizens some deserving taser news...

Let's start in Wichita Kansas, where Donnell Williams was taking a lovely bath. He had just gotten out of the bath tub, when the 5-0 burst through the door. The officers were responding to a report of a shooting. With guns drawn, the began to order Donnell around. When Donnell didn't respond to their commands, officers tased him. Turns out old Donnell was deaf. Oops! Way to go Wichita police...

And of course...what would this Holiday Season be without attending a Taser Party! That's right...according to the article, they're popping up all over the place. A popular item is Taser International's C2 (seriously, could you couldn't come up with a better name for your company?) Check out their video section for videos like this one, and help stop the senseless beating of "innocent sandwich counters" everywhere.

Until next time...

Brando Speaks Out On...

This guy...from LauderdaleChristmas.com

I'm sure his neighbors must really like him. Let's hope there are not airports in the vicinity.