e-Breezewood Profiles: American Gladiators

NBC will air the new version of American Gladiators this Sunday...and if you aren't watching it...you're not a true American.

This is quite possibly the best thing to happen to this country since...well...ever. I thought we here at e-Breezewood would take it upon themselves to introduce the new Gladiators. As always, we have a ladies first policy here...so let's begin...


Crush


NBC says: Don't let the winsome smile fool you... Crush earned her well-deserved moniker by smashing opponents into submission.

Brando says: Where do I sign up?



Fury



NBC Says: At 5-feet, 8-inches, she is a maelstrom of raw aggression and the epitome of the female gladiator. Equally balanced in speed and strength... Hell hath no fury like, Fury. Period.

Brando Says: Is that woman?



Helga


NBC Says: When she stomps into Gladiator Arena, most sensible opponents run for cover rather than risk a Viking funeral. She may have left her horned helmet on the boat, but she hits with the force of Thor's hammer, and quickly sends opponents straight to Valhalla.

Brando Says: First of all...they have a Gladiator named Hellga. H-e-l-l-g-a. Second of all...Holy crap.


Venom


NBC Says: She has shed her skin to become one of the most feared warriors in Gladiator Arena. She stalks her prey with caution and strikes when it is least expected. Any opponent that faces her had better come prepared because there is no known antidote for Venom, who is lethal in any dose.

Brando Says: The most confused looking of all Gladiators. It looks like she's to play the "dumb blonde" role a la Pheobe from Friends.


Siren

NBC Says: Consider yourself warned when she is heard in Gladiator Arena. Siren is a force to be reckoned with who will go off at the slightest provocation! Pay close attention to her every move, or siren will wail... on you!

Brando Says: Nice 80's makeup! Quick...get Cyndi Lauper on the phone...


Stealth



NBC Says: She flies under the radar for a swift and unexpected attack, and any adversary caught unaware will get a swift lesson in shock and awe. Immensely strong and cool under pressure, she executes her favorite move -- a quick counter-attack that you never see coming.

Brando Says: Huge biceps...ripped abs...and fabulously shiny hair!


And now...the guys!


Justice

NBC Says: Tipping the scales at almost 300 pounds of power and with 20-inch guns at his disposal, Justice does indeed have a very long arm, and he'll pursue any adversary to the ends of the earth to prove it. Ask any of his opponents and they'll tell you that sometimes Justice hurts, and the scales always tip in his favor.

Brando Says: Quite possibly the best hair-do ever. Tell me you wouldn't pee your pants if you got on the Jousting podium and saw that pointy hair staring down at you?


Militia

NBC Says: The 6-foot, 3-inch, 220-pound Gladiator targets his opponents with tactical precision. With an impressive arsenal of skills at his disposal, he is well equipped for any operation and will do anything to complete his objective. Once Militia has you in his sights, you'd better have a plan, or the game is over.

Brando Says: Militia! Militia! Brilliant. Good thing the wardrobe department gave him that extra strap on his suit. It looks like his package alone could bench press a compact car...




Titan

NBC Says: With nearly godlike strength and skill, he is the ultimate warrior. Able to physically dominate foes with his impressive physique, he is equally adept at mind games and will attempt to mentally defeat opponents before the battle even begins. Titan is a double threat who will find a way to win... one way or another.

Brando Says: I'm pretty sure his thighs are stuffed with cheese...sort of like raviolis. There's no chance those can be muscles...


Mayhem

NBC Says: A storm of smoldering intensity and lightning-quick reflexes, Mayhem unleashes waves of devastation through the ranks of even the most battle-hardened opponents.

Brando Says: Ok...enough of the packages already...




Toa

NBC Says: With his tribal garb and distinctive tattoos, he may conjure up images of an island paradise, but facing him in battle is pure hell. Drawing on the power of his ancestors, Toa has the strength of a thousand warriors flowing through his veins, and he will never, ever show mercy.

Brando Says: I don't even know what a "Toa" is...but I do know that I'm dead scared of guys with neck tattoos.


Wolf

NBC Says: When you enter Gladiator Arena keep an eye out for Wolf! Able to smell fear and always going for the jugular, Wolf is 230-pounds of primal fury. He will ferociously defend his turf... and thrives on the opportunity to sink his teeth into any challenge.

Brando Says: I had to save the best for last. Look at this guy. By the way...hair like that takes years to grow. My guess is that he started somewhere circa 1987.



Stay tuned for more fun!