E-Breezewood

Brando reads "Cats Call" so you don't have to...

2009-06-23T09:02:00.003-04:00

Well well well...what better way to jump back into e-Breezewood than a little Cat Spector?

Ooooo-weee! Look at the angle of that hat. Jauntiness if flying out of my monitor.

Here's a summary...some chick has a guy friend...same chick gets married to another dude...guy friend gets all weird and wants to "hang out" more. Chick says, "Why can't guys be friends with women? Why does it sometimes have to be "all or nothing at all" for guys?"

Cat's Call? "Most guys don't want "it all". They're fine with sex."

Which...if you ask me...totally just gave this chick approval to bang a dude that wasn't her husband. Well...that's the way I read it at least. Listen...I'm doing this so you don't have to read it. You'll just have to trust me.

Here's a good one from last week....

DEAR CAT: Our new neighbors are, shall we say, more ‘open’ than we like. Namely, the wife often sunbathes with her friends (in skimpy bikinis) on the front lawn. We live in a warm, sunny place, and this has gone on since they moved in a year ago. I feel this type of display downgrades the neighborhood and I am not the only one bothered by this behavior. I know she is not doing anything “illegal” but she is almost naked! The beach is a few minutes away, why not go there? I prefer not to cause problems but I feel that I should express this to her, for the sake of property values. Your call? —MODEST HOMEOWNER

Brando's Call....Ooooo. Tell me again...but slower this time...

We're back, bitches!

2009-06-21T15:49:00.002-04:00

Well then...hello...again.

We're back.

e-Breezewood is open for business again.

More "Brando speaks out on..."

More "Tazer news!"

More "Brando Reads Cat's Call so You Don't Have To"

More "Skymall Catalog Fun"

Come back often. Start spreading the word.

Breaking News...Luke Ravenstahl is a fancy boy...

2008-03-11T20:03:00.004-04:00

Well...at least according to nutty Oklahoma Representative Sally Kern.

You can listen to her speech (as well as the transcript) here.

Here's the short version...some wacko politician thought she was giving a speech to about 50 peeps in Oklahoma (Ok!...anyone...anyone...cricket cricket...) about how Islam and Homosexuals are destroying our youth....yada yada yada....

Anyway...here's the best part....

You know, gays are infiltrating city councils. Did you know, Eureka Springs, anybody been there, the passion play? Okay, have you heard that the city council of Eureka Springs is now controlled by gays? Okay? There are some others, Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania; Takoma, Maryland; Kensington, Maryland; in Vermont, Oregon, West Palm Beach, Florida; in a lot of other places
in Florida. What’s happening? They are winning elections.

That's right folks! You've heard it hear first....Pittsburgh Pennsylvania City Council...a bunch of well dressed, good looking, sissies!

Oh...and another gem from Sally....

As a matter of fact, studies show that no society that has totally embraced homosexuality has lasted more than, you know, a few decades.

Your heard right kids...just a few decades! That means we're in the midnight hour. Time to run up those credit card bills....

UPMC Buys Al Monzo's Palace Inn

2008-03-09T12:07:00.003-04:00

...then promptly buys all of Monroeville's Clorox bleach....

Who's worse? The Pittsburgh Pirates...or Terrorists?

2008-02-26T21:20:00.004-05:00

That ain't Andy Van Slyke in center field...

This little gem comes from your e-Breezewood mayor-ette, Maria.

so...today i was reading the empty netters blog and there was a reference to the movie "sudden death." (which, by the way, has the best wikipedia page EVER--read the last two paragraphs). that got me thinking. the penguins have been in a movie where terrorists attack. footage of a steelers-cowboys game was used in the movie "black sunday," in which terrorists plan on blowing up the super bowl. the pirates?

nothing i can think of.

which brings me to my point, do people not include the pirates in disaster movies because they realize no one cares, or is the level of play so disastrous that adding terrorists to the equation really can't increase the level of misery?

Well...I think option 2. I mean...have you attended a Buccos game in the past 15 years? If I had a dollar for every Hammas roadside bomb that occurred on the field...well...I'd have a lot of dollars.

Do we not remember the walk-out last year? All those people might as well have been leaving to attend an insurgency convention.

And I'm pretty sure it was Hezbollah's fault that the "Outback" is no longer in the outfield.

Oh...and the Pirate Parrot was recruited from the mountains in Afghanistan. Look it up. I'm sure it's on Wikipedia somewhere.

The bottom line...

- The Pirates play baseball.
- Baseball is American.
- Losing 15 straight seasons in pro Baseball is un-American
- Terrorists are un-American
- The Pirates have lost 15 straight season.
- The Pirates are Terrorists

Trust me...I have a degree in science.

Hang-ging

2008-02-18T19:12:00.003-05:00

This one...courtesy of our friends from across the Pond.

Gary Harley is a real estate agent in England. Typically, if you're a real estate agent...you spruce up the house you're showing, right? Maybe some candles...sweep up a little bit...perhaps rearrange some furniture. You take care of all the little details around the joint.

Well Gary slept on one little detail...

How 'bout the body of the owner hangggging in the master bedroom closet...all while people are walkin' around the house checking it out.

What a debacle.

I need a young priest and and old priest...

2008-02-11T20:13:00.000-05:00

The power of Christ...um...compels you?

This from out nations Washington Post. Apparently, the pope thinks we need more exorcists.

Fortunately for us...well...more fortunately for the damned...Rev. Andrzej Trojanowski from Poland is creating an Exorcist "Club Med" if you will.

According to the article...

An estimated 300 exorcists are active in Italy. Foremost among them: the Rev. Gabriele Amorth, 82, who performs exorcisms daily in Rome and is dean of Europe's corps of demon-battling priests.

Daily? Daaaaaiiiilllyyyyy?

A different type of Congress...

Brando Speaks Out On...

2008-01-24T19:43:00.000-05:00

Celebrity musicians.

As if the Bacon Brothers weren't enough...

Now we have Jeff F-ing Daniels.

Be sure to catch "Dirty Harry Blues"...as song about being shot by Clint Eastwood. Please...somebody cut my head off.

e-Breezewood Alert

2008-01-16T19:12:00.000-05:00

A new segment I shall call... "e-Breezewood Alert"

More news in the string of bad ideas from the Buccos....

Pittsburgh's old pal Sid Bream....yes...THAT Sid Bream...has been named assistant coach to the Bucco's farm team in State College.

For those Yinzer's who love to relive painful memories...here's the recap from Wikipedia.

The Pirates carried a 2-0 lead into the bottom of the ninth inning under the pitching of their ace, Doug Drabek, needing just three outs to make the World Series. However, Drabek gave up a leadoff double to Terry Pendleton, then allowed another runner (David Justice) on an infield error by second baseman Jose Lind. After Drabek walked Bream to load the bases, Pirates manager Jim Leyland pulled him out of the game. Reliever Stan Belinda replaced him on the mound, and managed to get two outs, despite giving up a run on a sacrifice fly by Ron Gant. Then, Braves third-string catcher Francisco Cabrera belted a single to left field, and Justice scored easily to tie the game. Pirates left fielder and eventual National League MVP Barry Bonds fielded the ball as Bream (known as a slow runner) plodded around the bases toward home plate. Bonds' throw arrived first, but it was slightly offline towards the first-base line. As soon as catcher Mike LaValliere received the ball, he desperately lunged toward the plate to tag Bream out, but Bream was able to slide just underneath the tag to score the winning run and send the Braves to the World Series for the second consecutive year.

You be careful, Sidney Eugene Bream, e-Breezewood is watching you....

p.s. - $1 to the reader who can tell me what the hell ever happened to Doug Drabek

Bridesmaid Contest

2008-01-13T17:50:00.000-05:00

I can't wait for this.

p.s. - Ladies...if you want to send your pictures to me as well...I can provide much more than a $50 gift card. Despite how this sounds...I am not sketchy.

F- you, Pirates

2008-01-13T17:48:00.000-05:00

You are all mediocre pieces of crap.

Andy VanSlyke, wherever he is, is very very angry with you. Same for Jose Lind.

A collective sigh from Bucco nation...

2008-01-11T22:06:00.001-05:00

The sadness continues at PNC park.

Quote our new ass-clown manager...

"Quite frankly, you can't really rebuild and compete at the same time. But I also don't think we're really in the position to just blow it up, and that's probably the fine line we're walking right now. We can't pull the plug just because this team lost 94 games. The fact is, we haven't been presented with an organizational-changing trade."

No moron. You pull the plug and blow it up because you haven't had a winning season "Hey Dude" was on Nickelodeon and it was hip to loop your braided leather belt around itself so it hung down a little bit.

F- you Pirates.

Spam

2008-01-11T21:47:00.000-05:00

I received this piece of spam email today. I simply couldn't let myself delete it. Who doesn't want to get a car loan from a sock puppet that supposed to be a dog...but looks like a cow...and is holding a microphone?

I can't believe I'm going to say this....

2008-01-08T19:46:00.000-05:00

...but Cat Specter's new picture is...well...hotttt.

That hat is still a little to sassy for me...but the overall...I give the photo an A.

Now as for the advice....

Check out this weeks column...where we hear about the sexual escapades of a 37 year old East Indian (I didn't know Indians had to now be associated with a direction).

American Gladiators - A Review...

2008-01-07T19:51:00.000-05:00

First off....hats off to BP...for leaving e-Breezewood's first comment...and it's about time! (Sorry Rachel, you don't count...especially since you've only left one).

BP wants to start a Wolf fan club...and I for one am a big supporter.

Known to his friends (who I'm sure are a wonderfully entertaining crew) as Don "Hollywood" Yates is apparently better known for his Rodeo Bullfighting skills as well as a professional wrassler. Howwwwwwwwwwwwllllllll!!!!!!!!!

Now...as much as I hate to say it...this show is terrible. It was much better 15 years ago years ago before the age of "reality TV" where today reality=poorly scripted.

And let's talk about the Hulkster. Hulk...brother...you need some new pants. Yours are old...discolored...and way way too tight. Note to wardrobe...get Hulk some new trousers. Secondly...does anyone else think the Hulkster might have scoliosis? He's always leaning forward at an inordinately large angle. Note to Hulk...drink more milk.

There are however, some bright spots...

1. Who doesn't like seeing little Asian guys being tossed around by professional body builders?
2. Her.
3. Her. (Not a typo)

And now...courtesy of Wikipedia...some American Gladiator trivia...

1. Referee Al Kaplon was a former American League Umpire...and is most commonly known as the referee from the movie Dodgeball.

2. Former hosts/announcers include....Joe Theismann and Larry Csonka.

Well...that's about it for trivia. However...my girl Crush is listed as a former Mixed Martial Arts fighter. If you're not familiar with MMA...it's sort of like boxing...only with no gloves...and you can kick...a basically beat the shit out of each other. Think the street fight in Rocky 5 meets Jean Claude Vandame meets you'd rather have a root canal without anesthesia.

Anyway...she won her first match by submission in just under 3 minutes using a Rear Naked Choke hold. Basically...you grab your opponents neck from behind and cutoff blood flow through the carotid artery. This restricts oxygen to the brain...and in a few seconds...you're unconscious.

Awesome.

Crush...call me.

e-Breezewood Profiles: American Gladiators

2008-01-03T20:45:00.000-05:00

NBC will air the new version of American Gladiators this Sunday...and if you aren't watching it...you're not a true American.

This is quite possibly the best thing to happen to this country since...well...ever. I thought we here at e-Breezewood would take it upon themselves to introduce the new Gladiators. As always, we have a ladies first policy here...so let's begin...

Crush

NBC says: Don't let the winsome smile fool you... Crush earned her well-deserved moniker by smashing opponents into submission.

Brando says: Where do I sign up?

Fury

NBC Says: At 5-feet, 8-inches, she is a maelstrom of raw aggression and the epitome of the female gladiator. Equally balanced in speed and strength... Hell hath no fury like, Fury. Period.

Brando Says: Is that woman?

Helga

NBC Says: When she stomps into Gladiator Arena, most sensible opponents run for cover rather than risk a Viking funeral. She may have left her horned helmet on the boat, but she hits with the force of Thor's hammer, and quickly sends opponents straight to Valhalla.

Brando Says: First of all...they have a Gladiator named Hellga. H-e-l-l-g-a. Second of all...Holy crap.

Venom

NBC Says: She has shed her skin to become one of the most feared warriors in Gladiator Arena. She stalks her prey with caution and strikes when it is least expected. Any opponent that faces her had better come prepared because there is no known antidote for Venom, who is lethal in any dose.

Brando Says: The most confused looking of all Gladiators. It looks like she's to play the "dumb blonde" role a la Pheobe from Friends.

Siren

NBC Says: Consider yourself warned when she is heard in Gladiator Arena. Siren is a force to be reckoned with who will go off at the slightest provocation! Pay close attention to her every move, or siren will wail... on you!

Brando Says: Nice 80's makeup! Quick...get Cyndi Lauper on the phone...

Stealth

NBC Says: She flies under the radar for a swift and unexpected attack, and any adversary caught unaware will get a swift lesson in shock and awe. Immensely strong and cool under pressure, she executes her favorite move -- a quick counter-attack that you never see coming.

Brando Says: Huge biceps...ripped abs...and fabulously shiny hair!

And now...the guys!

Justice

NBC Says: Tipping the scales at almost 300 pounds of power and with 20-inch guns at his disposal, Justice does indeed have a very long arm, and he'll pursue any adversary to the ends of the earth to prove it. Ask any of his opponents and they'll tell you that sometimes Justice hurts, and the scales always tip in his favor.

Brando Says: Quite possibly the best hair-do ever. Tell me you wouldn't pee your pants if you got on the Jousting podium and saw that pointy hair staring down at you?

Militia

NBC Says: The 6-foot, 3-inch, 220-pound Gladiator targets his opponents with tactical precision. With an impressive arsenal of skills at his disposal, he is well equipped for any operation and will do anything to complete his objective. Once Militia has you in his sights, you'd better have a plan, or the game is over.

Brando Says: Militia! Militia! Brilliant. Good thing the wardrobe department gave him that extra strap on his suit. It looks like his package alone could bench press a compact car...

Titan

NBC Says: With nearly godlike strength and skill, he is the ultimate warrior. Able to physically dominate foes with his impressive physique, he is equally adept at mind games and will attempt to mentally defeat opponents before the battle even begins. Titan is a double threat who will find a way to win... one way or another.

Brando Says: I'm pretty sure his thighs are stuffed with cheese...sort of like raviolis. There's no chance those can be muscles...

Mayhem

NBC Says: A storm of smoldering intensity and lightning-quick reflexes, Mayhem unleashes waves of devastation through the ranks of even the most battle-hardened opponents.

Brando Says: Ok...enough of the packages already...

Toa

NBC Says: With his tribal garb and distinctive tattoos, he may conjure up images of an island paradise, but facing him in battle is pure hell. Drawing on the power of his ancestors, Toa has the strength of a thousand warriors flowing through his veins, and he will never, ever show mercy.

Brando Says: I don't even know what a "Toa" is...but I do know that I'm dead scared of guys with neck tattoos.

Wolf

NBC Says: When you enter Gladiator Arena keep an eye out for Wolf! Able to smell fear and always going for the jugular, Wolf is 230-pounds of primal fury. He will ferociously defend his turf... and thrives on the opportunity to sink his teeth into any challenge.

Brando Says: I had to save the best for last. Look at this guy. By the way...hair like that takes years to grow. My guess is that he started somewhere circa 1987.

Stay tuned for more fun!

Wacky Asain News

2007-12-28T23:40:00.000-05:00

It's time for some more wacky Asian news. This nugget from the GuangXi province of China.

I won't give this one away...but when's the last time you were haunted by a catfish?

Where's my vest, n'at...

2007-12-28T23:34:00.000-05:00

Don't worry...the other 364 days of the year...they do a pretty good job.

Taser Mania!

2007-12-23T20:47:00.000-05:00

With "Don't tase me bro!" being named most popular quote of 2007, I thought it was time to bring all you e-citizens some deserving taser news...

Let's start in Wichita Kansas, where Donnell Williams was taking a lovely bath. He had just gotten out of the bath tub, when the 5-0 burst through the door. The officers were responding to a report of a shooting. With guns drawn, the began to order Donnell around. When Donnell didn't respond to their commands, officers tased him. Turns out old Donnell was deaf. Oops! Way to go Wichita police...

And of course...what would this Holiday Season be without attending a Taser Party! That's right...according to the article, they're popping up all over the place. A popular item is Taser International's C2 (seriously, could you couldn't come up with a better name for your company?) Check out their video section for videos like this one, and help stop the senseless beating of "innocent sandwich counters" everywhere.

Until next time...

Brando Speaks Out On...

2007-12-16T19:41:00.000-05:00

This guy...from LauderdaleChristmas.com

I'm sure his neighbors must really like him. Let's hope there are not airports in the vicinity.

Brando Speaks Out On....

2007-12-16T19:16:00.001-05:00

....Carol of the Bells.

If I hear one more commercial that uses this song and re-writes the words to sell there crap, I'm going to figgy pudding somebody right in the face.

You've been warned.

But what would a "speaks out on" post be without a little history...

Carol of the Bells, also known as "Ukrainian Bell Carol", is well, Ukrainian (see how much you're learning?) Originally a Ukrainian folk song, it tells a story of a swallow flying into a house to proclaim a bountiful year that the family was about to embark upon. Right. File next to eight maids-a-milking.

And now...the internet's worst renditions of Carol of the Ukrainian Swallows...

Fat man with a little guitar...

Warning...this one may cause you to want to poke your ears out with an icicle...

This is no joke. 40,000 LED's programed to the song. Do yourself a favor and watch it all the way to the end for the big finale.

Dagger!

2007-12-03T20:24:00.000-05:00

Just in case you've ever wondered what a Zamboni machine looks like after it explodes all Micheal Bay style on the ice...check out this.

More crazy Asians...

2007-11-24T18:58:00.001-05:00

This time...from India.

No joke....

Appliance Direct!

2007-11-22T10:50:00.000-05:00

Part of the reason for lack of postings lately has been an unusually large amount of travel for work. Recently, I was in the central Florida area for a few days. Early one morning, before heading out of the hotel to start the day, I was flipping through TV, and happened upon an hour long info-mercial for Appliance Direct.

Appliance Direct is a local appliance warehouse in central Florida. However...this guy is off the wall crazy. No joke...I spent about 20 minutes watching his infomercial only because I couldn't pull myself away from his crazy antics.

And now...I bring them to you. I Love Appliances!

Wet, angry, germs.....

Yes!

Check out the back of his shirt when he reaches for the Ketchup....

Wakkie Nu Nu!

Brando reads "Cat's Call" so you don't have to...

2007-11-22T10:35:00.000-05:00

According to the list over on the right hand side....there have been only 7 posts here in the last two months....I promise that this will change....as you...the citizens of e-Breezewood demand better from your e-mayor.

Let's start with a favorite of mine....ridiculing Catherine Specter from the Post Gazette's "Cat's Call" relationship advice column.

This edition brought to you by e-citizen Rachel.

DEAR CAT: I have never been good at computers. This is the first e-mail I ever sent successfully! My husband is a whiz at them, but we only have one computer, and he is always busy and using it. He says I should go out and buy one so we don't have to share, but I don't know what to get. He says I should talk to people at the stores, and he'll buy me whatever I want "as long as I stop complaining about it." Can you suggest a store where I will not feel intimidated? -- TECH SUPPORT

Cat's reply....
DEAR TECH: If you managed to send an e-mail, you're further along than you think! Trust Cat on this one. Long before I started "calling," I tutored in computers and blah blah blah blah.....

The truth...from Brando...
Dear Tech: Your husband is busy spending all of his time on "Married and Bored" chat rooms. Either that...or he's spending all of his time looking for Halo 3 cheats. Either way...you're pretty much screwed.

Thank you, goodnight!

2007-11-11T20:27:00.001-05:00

How funny is this guy...

Why China will eventually kick our ass....

2007-11-11T20:21:00.000-05:00

This needs to be happening in our elementary schools, stat.....

In China...students head out on a 4in ledge to clean their school's windows once a week. Some schools are 3 stories high.

No sissy macaroni pictures are being done in China. Get our kids out on some ledges, damnit.

Good Times...Sunnier Days...

2007-11-07T08:50:00.000-05:00

Remember that time....when this blog was updated? That was fun.

Life's been a little crazy here at e-Breezewood....but wackiness is coming...we promise.

Stay tuned...

Moooooooo

2007-10-14T17:21:00.000-04:00

Mooooooooooo.

SkyMall Catalog Fun

2007-10-07T00:39:00.000-04:00

Ah yes....e-Breezewood was on the road and in the air this past week...which can only mean one thing....SkyMall catalog browsing fun! Let's get started.

Item #71405 - The Marshmallow Shooter

First of all...why do we spell marshmallow with an "a" instead of an "e"? That's silly. Here at e-Breezewood...it shall be called a "marshmellow". Second of all...why don't I own one of these? How many times has a particular moment in your life been incomplete because you couldn't shoot a marshmellow at someone? Now you can....and it's only $24.95! It even has an LED for pinpoint marshmellow shooting accuracy. The barrel holds up to 20 fluffy treats at a time...perfect for pummelling unsuspecting friends or terrorists.

Item #713561 - Gravity Defying Boots

Because gravity is for sissies! Perfect for the office, walks on the beach, or going to the prom.

Item # TH462J - Deluxe Yoga Stand

This is not a joke. Allegedly, people think it's cool to hang around upside down. This is a bunch of B.S.. Zippy chance my chi's and shakra's enjoy having all the blood in my body race to my head. Unless it comes with the cute upside-down yoga girl...color me disinterested.

Item #HLGDON100J - Dough-Nu-Matic

Stop. If you're reading this...please reach into your wallet and buy me one of these right now. According the catalog..."The Dough-Nu-Matic automatically forms, fries, and drains delectable mini-doughnuts in just 50 seconds." Delectable doughnuts in 50 seconds! Hazaa! If you have enough change left over...buy me two so I can keep one in the car.

ttyl

2007-10-05T14:58:00.000-04:00

Hazaa! The Pittsburgh Post Gazette reports today that a bunch of donkeys have been fired...including yet another manager, Jim Tracy.

Also included in the big purge were some other guys who nobody's ever heard of.

In other news...the rumors that the Pirate Parrot was to be replaced by Jalapeño Hanna were found to be completely untrue.....

e-Breezewood...on the road...

2007-10-01T08:53:00.000-04:00

e-Citizens...

Sorry for the lack of updates, but your mayor has been in the air and on the road doing a bit of traveling.

This of course means that upon my return there will be plenty of "Brando browses the SkyMall Catalog" posts so that you may brush up on your useless gadgetry.

In the meantime...Stay classy, e-Breezewood.

Dateline, Asia....

2007-09-22T21:34:00.000-04:00

More crazy Asian news....

This one from Fugong, Yunnan Province, China.

500 schoolchildren have to cross the Nujiang River everyday on their way to school. Only problem is that there's no bridge. They have to MacGuyver their way across.

China...pretty nice place to live!

Dagger!

2007-09-21T10:45:00.000-04:00

In case you ever thought swimming in lakes was fun....you'd better stop. Florida now reports it's third death due to due a deadly amoeba lurking in it's lakes.

First off....why do we spell "amoeba" with the "o" before the "e". Silly single celled organisms...

Anyway...the culprit is naegleria fowleri, which also happens to be the name of a girl I dated in college once...but that's a different story all together....

Basically, this little critter climbs all up in your nose while you're backstroking...and crawls its way to your brain...where it proceeds to eat your brain tissue and spinal chord. Yum!

Below is some info from the CDC. If you have any of these symptoms....well...don't even bother going to the doctors...you're pretty much cooked.

What are the signs and symptoms of Naegleria infection?

Infection with Naegleria causes the disease primary amebic meningoencephalitis (PAM), a brain inflammation, which leads to the destruction of brain tissue.

Initial signs and symptoms of PAM start 1 to 14 days after infection. These symptoms include headache, fever, nausea, vomiting, and stiff neck. As the amebae cause more extensive destruction of brain tissue this leads to confusion, lack of attention to people and surroundings, loss of balance, seizures, and hallucinations. After the onset of symptoms, the disease progresses rapidly and usually results in death within 3 to 7 days.

Happy swimming!

Taser Mania!!!!

2007-09-20T18:53:00.000-04:00

Mere hours after the post regarding the Pitt basketball player who got tased in the Strip District...a flurry of taser activity began. Coincidence? I think not!

The Sen. Kerry Incident

Quite possibly some of the most enjoyable audio on the net right now. If you haven't heard/seen it yet, make your way over to the YouTube.

To quote Andrew Meyer, "Don't tase me bro! Don't taser me bro! Waaaaahhhhhh!".

Police Taser Man with Chicken in Car

This one out of Sheboygan Wis.. According to the Sheboygan police (which I'm sure is a fine organization, don't ya know)....the man acquired the chicken from a local fast food joint.

Riiiight. I'm sure this guy rolled up to Wendy's and ordered a live chicken to go (probably a spicy one.) "Ya...gimme the real live chicken and a Jr. Frosty....."

Police Taser Crazy Lady in Ohio

This one hot off the press. Some lady gets Hammer Timed at a hurting Warren OH bar, and officer friendly Tasers her silly.

You can check out the video here.

Email Us!

2007-09-19T22:56:00.000-04:00

It's come to my attention that you, the weary travelers of e-Breezewood.com, have no means of contacting your dear e-Mayor.

Until today!

Check out the link to the right.

Send us your email!

Do it! Do it now!

Dagger!

2007-09-18T22:52:00.001-04:00

Those pesky Asians are at it again...

This time...a Chinese man flat out died after being on the internet for 3 days straight.

Damn Pokemon....

The Emmy's are a bunch of crap...

2007-09-17T22:17:00.000-04:00

I found this article from the Washington Post, which lists all of the lesser known Emmy "winners".

How 'bout this for a load of crap...other award shows get Emmy's. No joke. For instance...

Music Direction: "79th Annual Academy Awards," ABC.

No no no no. You can't give an Emmy to the Academy Awards!

Special Class Program: "The 60th Annual Tony Awards (2006)," CBS.

Ok really. How does this slide under the radar?

And perhaps most shocking....

Reality Program: "Kathy Griffin: My Life on the D-List," Bravo.

Ack! Kathy Griffin!!!! I call Shenanigans!

Now matter how drunk you get...

2007-09-17T22:04:00.000-04:00

...never....EVER....try to grab the gun from the cop.

Pitt point-guard and all around brilliant genius Levance Fields was jailed this weekend after assaulting an officer in Pittsburgh's Strip District.

Upon attempting to grab the cops gun...the officer pushed him away...and TASERED him!

I....LOVE....taser stories. So much so that I think I'll start a new feature...devoted to bringing you only the best and up-to-date taser stories. Only here, at e-Breezewood....

More Penguins Genius...

2007-09-17T22:01:00.000-04:00

Today, it was announced that the Penguins will play in the NHL's first ever outdoor hockey game in Buffalo this year. I love it!

Drugs Make You Ugly

2007-09-15T12:07:00.000-04:00

Another YouTube gem....

Should be entitled, "Drugs make you even Uglier"....or in the case of the last subject...."Drugs make you look like Mr. Bean."

More OJ....

2007-09-15T11:39:00.000-04:00

Can SOMEBODY close to OJ please tell him he needs to chill out? Seriously...

By the way...HOW does OJ memorabilia have any value to begin with?

I'm Coach Therrien, and I eat babies for lunch....

2007-09-15T11:31:00.001-04:00

If you ask me, Penguins coach Michel Therrien is possibly the most underrated coach any of Pittsburgh's sports teams have ever had. Sure...he's not a charmer...but who can argue that this guy isn't one bad ass motha....

Point in case...in addition to the team practices...there will also be a team building trip to the US Military Academy. Genius...

Spiders on Drugs

2007-09-15T11:26:00.000-04:00

I hate spiders....but this is pretty good....

Brando Speaks Out On....

2007-09-12T22:01:00.001-04:00

...guys who text message at the urinal.

Seriously. I'm in a public bathroom today...standing there...doing what guys do at urinals. And some dude rolls up to the urinal next to me...all the while text messaging while performing his "release".

This....is unnecessary....and a little bit creepy. I can only image the conversation....

"omg. i g2g p so bad."

Anyway...I'm happy to announce that all restrooms at e-Breezewood will be text message free. Save it for when you're in line for the Sbarro.....

(The text messaging that is....not the going to the bathroom.)

Here fishy fishy fishy....

2007-09-11T21:39:00.001-04:00

More news on the kid who spent a week upside-down in a creek after driving off the road.

According to the Washington Post...he kept alive by using his size 13 high top shoe to scoop up water from the creek (which was now running through his car) to drink. When he got hungry...he'd reach down and pull up a little creek fishy and eat him.

This kid is the real life Survivorman. I think I might be more likely to punt on life...rather than hang upside-down in my wrecked car in a creek...all the while catching fish and drinking creek water with my size 13 high-top.

No details yet as to how ones car ends upside-down in creek for a week and nobody sees you.

Stay tuned...

Britney Punts...

2007-09-10T22:31:00.000-04:00

Well...if there was any question as to whether or not Britney Spears had any sort of future left...she pretty much answered it with the ABYSMAL performance at the MTV VMA's.

First off...where does MTV get off hosting an award show for music video's these days? Long gone are the days of "Remote Control" and the strange, yet awkwardly attractive Kennedy. I feel a little part of my soul die inside me every time I see a bunch of self important 17 year old girls in oversized sunglasses complain about not hooking up with the local cutie in their H3 at the beach.

Please....I'd rather poke my eyes out with icicles.

What was I talking about again? Right. Britney punts away her career. You can check out a video of her performance here. She looks like she's in a bad high school musical....you know the kind....where the kid knows she has go to stand in some general location on the stage...but doesn't really know what to do once she gets there. It truly is laughable. I could put on a better show than this...and those of you that know me...know that I've got zippy skills when it comes to dancing.

How has this happened dearest Britney? Oh right...you marry Skeevy McNubbins and thereby flush your life down the toilet.

Man spends week in upside-down car in creek...

2007-09-10T22:15:00.000-04:00

Don't know if this has hit the national news circuit yet, but it's making a bit of ruckus here in DC.. Here's the story.....

A local college kid gets in the car one weekend to go visit his girlfriend at University of MD.. Along the way...somehow...he crashes his car. It goes off the road...and falls...upside down...into a creek (or crick) below the road.

THEN....he chills....upside down....in his upside down car....for a week. Slowly but surely...he frees himself of the seatbelt, and crawls up the creek bed...and lies on the side of the road until someone notices him.

There are a few things that are amazing about this. One of course is that this kid was able to survive for a week in his beat up car upside down. The other is that nobody saw the accident, or the wrecked car. In fact...the family actually drove across the small section of road that crosses the creek a number of times during their search that week...not having any idea that their son was in his upside down car just below them.

I've actually been on this section of road before (I was craaazy lost at the time...but that's besides the point). It's near the Baltimore-Washington Parkway, which is a major state road that connects...well, you can guess. Furthermore, it's not all that far from the DC beltway. My point...it's not like he wrecked in Nubbinsville. It's amazing that nobody saw the accident...or had noticed anything strange indicating that a freakin' car had gone off the road and was upside down, just feet below them.

Hats off to the kid for roughing it out. The family isn't pressing him for details until he's recovered, but I imagine it should be a pretty interesting story. Stay tuned....

The Edsel

2007-09-09T20:54:00.000-04:00

Here in DC, the Washington Post ran an interesting article about the Ford Edsel (I say this as if the Washington Post is like the Valley News Dispatch and no one other than Washingtonians read it). Anyway...the Edsel. It was a debacle. The epitome of failed media hype.

Ford exec's spent countless hours and dollars into the new area of "motivational research". Tons of effort went into trying to find a name that was agreeable to the American public. In a stroke of brilliance...in attempts to score some points with president Henry Ford II...one day, suggested they name it after Ford II's father, and Henry Ford I son....Edsel Ford.

Who names there kid Edsel?

Anyway...then a bunch of engineers when crazy and decided to make an ugly ass car...complete with a push button transmission in the middle of the steering wheel.

The publicity leading up to the Edsel's release rivals any current day marketing blitz. Unfortunately...once people actually saw it...not so much. Here's an excerpt....

"We couldn't even get people to drive it," says Warnock. "They just didn't like the car. They just didn't like the front end."

That weird oval grille soon became a running gag. Wags joked that it looked like a horse collar or a toilet seat. Time magazine said it made the car look like "an Olds sucking a lemon."

But styling was hardly the worst problem. Oil pans fell off, trunks stuck, paint peeled, doors failed to close and the much-hyped "Teletouch" push-button transmission had a distressing tendency to freeze up. People joked that Edsel stood for "Every day something else leaks."

But the Edsel folks did not give up. No way. After months of sluggish sales, the crack PR team gathered to brainstorm ideas for selling Edsels. They were battered and weary and devoid of ideas until an adman named Walter "Tommy" Thomas blurted out a suggestion.

"Let's give away a [bleeping] pony," he said.

Much to Thomas's amazement, his idea was not only accepted, it was expanded. The geniuses at Edsel decided to advertise a promotion in which every Edsel dealer would give away a pony. It worked like this: If you agreed to test-drive an Edsel, your name would be entered into a lottery at the dealership, with the winner getting a pony.

Ford bought 1,000 ponies and shipped them to Edsel dealers, who displayed them outside their showrooms. Many parents, egged on by their pony-loving children, traipsed in to take a test drive. Unfortunately, many of the lucky winners declined the ponies, opting instead for the alternative -- $200 in cash -- and soon dealers were shipping the beasts back to Detroit.

Now the Edsel folks were not only stuck with a lot of cars they couldn't sell, they were also stuck with a lot of ponies they couldn't give away. The cars were easy enough to store, but the ponies required food. And after they ate the food, they digested the food. And then . . . another fine mess for Edsel.

Whooooo-hooooo

2007-09-07T14:23:00.000-04:00

In a move that rivals sheer genius...Bob Nutting has actually started to put his money where is ass is....or however that saying goes.

.500 baseball....here we come....

Nice one....Ass....

2007-09-06T20:52:00.000-04:00

Seriously?

Best idea ever....

2007-09-06T20:27:00.000-04:00

Today...a few luck Penguins season ticket buyers got their tickets delivered....by the actual players.

I don't know whose thinking these things up over in the Penguins management office...but they deserve a raise. This is a brilliant idea. Can you imagine...you're sitting around after work...watching the news...and Sidney Crosby's at your door. Genius.

Of course...I couldn't help but wonder what it would be like if they got some other famous Yinzers to help them deliver.

How about Myron Cope...."Yoi...here are yinz guyz tickets n'at. Now watch me fall down your patio stairs...."

Or Don Schwenneker? "Hi folks...here are you tickets. Get ready for some snow this evening, and check back with us for your up to the minute school delays and closings."

Or the Pirate Parrot. "You guys don't happen to be looking for a new mascott, do ya?"

Or former Yinzer Jeff Goldblum. "Ah...yes, yes...ah, hello there...ah...this is...ah...this is...ah...this is very strage....very wacky...me delivering your....ah....your ah...tickets...ah...as they were."

Or Sketchy-Hat Spector. "Well....if you ask me....you should (door slams)....."

And finally, of course, Christopher Walken. Not a Yinzer...but still a good time if here appeared at your doorstep. "My friends...this is crazy...it's me, Chirs....Walken....I've got your Penguin....tickets....baby."

Brando reads "Cats Call" so you don't have to...

2007-09-04T19:21:00.000-04:00

HOLD THE PHONE FOLKS!!!! This week, I've learned that somebody has let Shady-Hat Spector on the RADIO.

I need some Yinzers to confirm this for me, so I can promptly book a flight to come back and burn down the station.

Shop with a Cop

2007-09-04T18:56:00.000-04:00

I'm sure the intentions of this are good...but really...who can't help but think this is a little sketchy?

Where Do Flavor of Love Contestants Come From?...

2007-09-04T18:46:00.000-04:00

Answer......my current hometown of southern Maryland. In some ways...SoMD is even more trifling than western PA. I saw this post recently on somd.com, which amazingly, I never thought to use as blog fodder, but is quickly becoming blog gold.

Hear me now, and believe me later...this is the norm for 'ol SoMD. Hurting girls who want to be on Flavor of Love. They're all over. Get 'em before they're elevated to Hollywood skankieness.

If you'd like to vote for SunneShyne...then go here.

Yeah boyyyeeeee!

Dagger!

2007-09-04T18:33:00.000-04:00

I'm a little late on this...but it's funny...and by funny, I mean incredibly tragic...in that funny sort of way. Here's the short version....

1. A Mennonite family owns a milk farm.
2. In one building on the farm, there's a big tank where they keep the cow dung.
3. Tank gets backed up.
4. Papa Farmer goes to clear the backup.
5. Papa Farmer is overcome by methane. Faints. Dies.
6. Farmer helper guy goes in to try and save Papa Farmer.
7. Helper guy inhales methane. Finished.
8. Mama Farmer, Sister Farmer, and Baby Sister Farmer hear the commotion...stop milking the cows and come over to help.
9. Cooked...Finished...and Pummeled.

Moral of the story...never jump into a pile of shit.

The Cookie Table...

2007-09-03T18:39:00.000-04:00

This weekend, I traveled back to Yinz-burgh for a cousins wedding. Now residing in DC, I always enjoying coming back and seeing how things have changed (like how old Steven Cropper is now) and how things have stayed the same (even in the summer, Yinzers still find the need to know the exact weather conditions at a moments notice).

Anyway, in DC, when I'm not making "real" money, I play in a jazz combo. We play clubs and restaurants in DC, swings dances, weddings, and the like. Needless to say, I've been to a LOT of wedding receptions over the past few years (as a band member, not as a guest.) So, compared to some weddings I've played in the DC area, I've found that western PA weddings are quite unique.

Namely...the cookie table. You don't realize it until you move away, but the cookie table is totally unique to western PA (sort of like gumbands and spigots).

And let me tell you, the cookie spread at this wedding was top-notch. My favorite are the peanut butter balls that are covered in chocolate. Brilliant.

Genius

2007-08-31T21:36:00.000-04:00

If you haven't seen these yet...you need to....now. At a prison in the Phillipines, this is considered phys ed.. Brilliant.

I may be a millionaire...

2007-08-30T17:54:00.000-04:00

This is not another post about crazy Leona Helmsley. Rather, I believe that my dog, Rags (shown left), may be blood relatives with Trouble, her newly very rich dog. The similarity is striking, I think (to the dog...not Helmsley). I'm encouraging Rags to contact Trouble ASAP, as time is of the essence. Brando has bills to pay...

Hazaa!

2007-08-28T21:05:00.000-04:00

More SoMD news. There's a Jousting Tournament in Calvert County, MD. Yes. Jousting. What's even more appalling is that it's the 141st annual tournament the county has held.

That means sometime shortly after the Civil War ended, southern Maryland residents (which by my calculations, based on current population of southern Maryland, would have been about 8 people), got bored and decided it would be fun to poke each other with big pointy sticks.

141 years later...these crazies are still at it. For fun, check out the Maryland Jousting Tournament Association. Here, you'll find a list of former MD state champions such as Mary Lou Bartram, featured here on the right. According to her page, Mary Lou was single (shocker). Mary Lou also, "enjoyed a successful and constructive career in the field of corrections. She was the first woman in the United States named as a warden of an all male, maximum security prison."

Yikes! Ha!

Doomed...

2007-08-28T20:57:00.000-04:00

And now, some news from my "new" hometown area of southern MD. Let's all say hello to Johnna Parlett. Johnna, age 6, recently qualified for the 2008 Kids Golf World Championship.

Despite the fact that this kids childhood will likely be ruined, as is the case with all child stars, you have to admit, she does have a pretty sweet swing.

Ok...who am I kidding. I'm jealous...

A Cinderella Story...From Outta Nowhere...

2007-08-23T23:04:00.000-04:00

If there is any doubt that Bill Murray is quite possibly the greatest individual ever, then read this story.

Here's the short story...

- Murray goes to Sweeden for a golf tourney.
- Instead of taking a cab to dinner...he hijacks a golf cart which was on display at the hotel, and drives it a mile or so to dinner
- After dinner, he goes to a club and gets Hammer(ed) Time.
- Hops back in his golf cart, and gets pulled over trying to drive back to the hotel.
- This was after stopping of course at a 7-11, most likely to get some post drinky drinky munchies.

If you ask me...it's only a matter of time before we can take any sentence with the words "Gary Busey" and replace them with "Bill Murray".

Volare....

2007-08-23T22:46:00.000-04:00

An now a quick little nugget from Vandergrift, a town very near and dear to my heart, despite how trifling it is.

Vandergrift held their Italian Festival recently. I always considered the ethnicity of most Vandergriftians as "hurting", but I suppose Italian will do.

Anyway...Ricci Martin, son of famous Dean Martin, was the "featured" entertainer. If I'm the SON of DEAN MARTIN...there's ZIPPY chance you ever get me to book a gig in VANDERGRIFT. I refuse to believe that this guy is having a hard time finding work that he has to book the Vandergrift Sons if Italy club.

Somewhere...Dino is rolling over in his grave (and sipping on a gin and tonic)

Bob Nutting's giant dome...

2007-08-23T22:21:00.001-04:00

Seriously. The folks at PG have gone crazy. I understand you've got the new website and all, but this picture of Bob Nutting's gigantic cranium is too much for us to handle. Please tone it down.

Anyway...if anybody still thought that Bob Nutting knows what he's doing...today we read this...

"What I've really tried to do," Nutting said, "is focus on the process itself to make sure that I had a chance to understand alternative structures -- what's been effective for other teams and what kinds of options are there as well as getting a good assessment of who candidates are, who's inside baseball, what other skill-sets might be most helpful and most important."

Um....Ya. Like someone who has any clue on how to run a baseball team. Thanks for you insight though, Bob. Any more nuggets?

"It is a critically important hire," Nutting said as the Pirates careen toward a 15th consecutive losing season. "It's one I really believe we need to get right. Not only do we have to have somebody who understands the situation in Pittsburgh -- understand what the team needs -- but I also have to have confidence that they have sufficient vision and capability to be able to step in and really have an impact where we need to see improvement and change.

Thank you Great Swammi. "Someone who really understands the situation in Pittsburgh". Oh no! However are we going to explain the situation to someone? Oh right....we suck.

"I think what I've learned and decided is, we want to have a single person who will be an overall team president with full responsibility for the club. My sense is that [with] our business-side operations we have a very solid group of executives running those operations right now. I have an awful lot of faith in them. They've done a fantastic job this year.

Translation: We need someone to shift the blame to when we don't know what we're doing.

This guy is a total tool.

15 years and counting...

Smizik goes soft...

2007-08-22T20:11:00.000-04:00

After months of absolutely pummeling the Bucco's and their management...Bob Smizik shows that he has a soft spot...not for bad baseball playing...but for guys who pummel Spot and Fluffy.

Sure...he admits that what Vick did was a terrible thing. But Bob all but invites Vick over for wine and cheese after his jail time.

Sorry Bob...go back to demoralizing the Buccos. It's much more fun.

Dagger!

2007-08-22T20:00:00.000-04:00

Dagger!

Fewer Yinzers are making out today, as Kennywood has closed The Gold Rusher. First the Old Mill...now this. Soon, the only place teens will be able to make out is Noah's Ark...and I'd bet that's on the chopping block next. Just tell me they haven't gotten rid of the Log Jammer...

Noooooooo!

2007-08-22T19:55:00.001-04:00

Say it ain't so....

I mean....I REALLY thought this was going to work.

What a shame.

Oh....Kristin...call me.

Steelers Hotel Rider Audio

2007-08-21T19:09:00.000-04:00

While the pesky (and by pesky, I mean super hottt) PittGirl beat me to the Steelers Hotel rider story punch, I had originally heard about this on the Don and Mike Show on the radio here in D.C.. It would seem that a hotel worker had forwarded the rider to just about everybody in the world, including Don and Mike.

The audio can be found here.

Enjoy. Along with your 150 packets of only Heinz ketchup.

A new home!

2007-08-16T22:47:00.000-04:00

Greetings weary travelers, and welcome to e-Breezewood's new home.

e-breezewood.blogspot.com

Believe it or not....regular "breezewood" without the "e-" was taken. They've only made two posts...3 years ago. Dagger! And what's worse....they're from Cleveland! Figures!

Anyway our old friends over at blog.com .... well, their server crashes more times than a place like e-Breezewood should have to tolerate.

So here we are...check back here often as we get settled into our new home.